Accepting powerlessness when all you want is control.

Time moves too slow, other people need to “get it together and get out of your way”, traffic is too heavy and there are idiots all over the road, your co-workers are too laid back and no one helps you pick up the slack. You have a job to do and by God, you’re the only one competent enough to MAKE IT HAPPEN… I already want to run away from this fictitious person… haha! The person who lives life this way is likely exhausted and may or may not know it, a victim or martyr and probably doesn’t know it or will deny it when suggested, and tends to stress out their loved ones! 

However, under stress, many of us (especially the anxious types) can easily get into these attitudes/behaviors if we aren’t aware of ourselves. For some, living this way creates feelings of safety/security. There is no shame in desiring safety or security in life but the way many of us go about getting it while under stress isn’t a healthy or “pro relationship” way to do it. These control issues highlight an unhealthy Locus of Control (see thumbnail for illustration). We’ll discuss this later… for now, let’s talk about powerlessness, acceptance, and insanity. 

I think when humans are confronted with that word “accept” (especially when it’s in reference to something we don’t want or like) … we can get very emotional and rigid about it– sometimes childish. “No! This is unacceptable behavior from you!” “No! This outcome won’t do. It’s not what I wanted therefore I won’t accept this.” The attitude under that rigidity is often fear, entitlement, or a God complex… more on that later. 

In my work with clients, I’ve heard people assigning different/personal meaning to that word “accept”. In the face of something difficult, for some people, “accept” means to “give up” or “to quit“… Let that get into your body for a sec… to “give up or quit“… If we allow ourselves to experience that in the body… for me it’s a heavy, slumping of the shoulders, hanging of the head, defeated, feels like the color black, gut sinking experience. It feels powerless, but not in a good way. You may be like “WTF Shanna, powerlessness isn’t ever a good thing”. Hear me out, I think it can be in the sense of boundaries and empowerment. When we can accept powerlessness over others, our lives can become manageable because it is only then, that we become responsible for OUR OWN lives and let go of the lives of others. Powerful. Mature. Healthy. 

The result of not accepting powerlessness with people, places, or outcomes, out of our control… is insanity and increases anxiety.

It’s an insane notion to think that we have control over anything outside of ourselves. Journaling opportunity: If you have believed the idea that you have control beyond yourself, how did you get there? How was that mindset created/built? Look to your “original relationships” or Family of Origin for clues and supporting evidence. 

I tell my clients all the time, “things get really tricky and painful when we have expectations for anyone or anything other than for ourselves“. Unmet expectations are precursors for depression… BUT that’s where things get tricky… an example: if people expect others (outside of themselves) to treat them in certain ways, then don’t meet THEY’RE expectations… who do you think is the one that feels hurt? Yeah… the one with the expectations. Taking it a step further, if party A tries to “make” party B treat them in the way they want to be treated, party A set’s themselves up for a recipe of frustration, manipulation/guilting of party B and relationship disaster. No one is that powerful and if you think you are, you may be struggling with an attitude of entitlement, have that God Complex I mentioned earlier, and your relationships with others may be suffering because of it.

The pure power lies in; acknowledging and accepting where you actually have control (ie see Locus of control thumbnail again), reflecting on where you feel resentments/frustrations/fears in your life (pst you need to feel/identify these because they will help you know where a boundary is needed in your life), deciding what you need to do to take care of yourself, then communicating the boundary with the person and following through on the boundary itself. 

Boundaries are about what YOU will do. They are actions that are under your control.⁣ ⁣Rules or demands are about the other person and controlling them. A 12-step program, recovery program, individual or group therapy, sponsorship can help you sort all of this out! I believe in you! You’ve got this.