Demystifying Therapists
There is a common misconception that therapists are magicians, close to Godliness, that we “have it all together” and can “heal people” in a just few sessions. I bet you can guess what I’m about to say… NOPE. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, we have degrees, a trove of theories and techniques but we can only educate you on those things and invite you to begin the work. The rest is up to you…
I can understand where this misconception may come from– when people are in crisis and come to into our offices, they are desperate for help and relief. When humans are in this state, it’s difficult to differentiate reality from fiction. Insert phrase “perception is reality” however distorted it may be. Many of us are dealing with childhood wounds which result in childlike fantasies of wanting to be rescued by “pseudo parents” or our actual parents themselves (but perhaps they are dead, unavailable or don’t care). THIS is called transference. Little do we know transference is at play when we enter our therapist’s offices, but it is… we are disillusioned. The truth is, no one is going to rescue you. No one is coming in the way that a healthy parent responds to a crying infant. This stage of our lives is over. It’s time to grief that loss and accept it.
I believe we do 18-year-olds a disservice. One tells them that once they leave their parents’ home, it is now up to them to parent themselves. To make themselves do things they don’t want to do (ie pay your bills, exercise, don’t eat or drink too much sugar/alcohol, go to the doctor, get to bed at a decent time, do your homework, clean your room etc)– doing things you don’t want to do but need to do is adulthood. Welcome. However, if we were born into families with unhealthy parents, ‘parenting ourselves‘ in adulthood could be absent or equally as unhealthy. Thus, we return to the topic at hand… the idea that therapists (or any other healthcare professional for that matter) will “save us” or “heal us” for us. No. They won’t. They can’t. What is the expectation here? That they will swoop in and make the changes in your life FOR you? That they can somehow possess your body and change the way you think, feel or behave? This is magical thinking… and would be appropriate for a child. It is not appropriate for an adult.
However, many of us are still children in adult bodies. It is up to us to become the healthy parent to ourselves. If you’ve been to therapy, the doctor, school, or anywhere really, and have enough awareness to notice that you’re expecting the other person to do for you… you may be displacing your power and responsibility onto them. This is tricky to catch at first and requires a good bit of open minded awareness, but if you find yourself in attitudes of blame, defensiveness, judgement, resentment, or anxiety fairly often, you may be projecting a childlike version of yourself onto others. If you find yourself scrambling, chaotic and going beyond your means to “help others” or get overly involved in their world, this is likely transference and a conscious or subconscious move to avoid your own internal world.
Yikes, I know. I’ve been here too and am growing through it just like you are. We all are. This is our task as adults. Our parents did the best they could, but ultimately no parent is God. They will never get it perfectly. Trauma is a fact of life. It is up to us, as adults to take responsibility for the internal injustice of trauma and heal. Own the pain. Put in the work. Heal yourself.
The aide of a therapist, mentor, pastor, sponsor, or kind friend makes it a bit easier to address the dark and scary inner world we often ignore… but no one can do it for you. It is up to you. You can do this. Take heart and start today. You can begin by paying attention to the things in life you have a strong emotional reaction to… and ask yourself, what is happening inside of me that is causing this strong reaction? And follow that thread till you get to the bottom.
Happy healing friends.