Keeping your side of the street clean.
There is a concept in Al Anon called “keeping your side of the street clean”. Generally, this phrase means minding your own business, owning your own business and recognizing what you’re standing on (pun intended).
However, I believe that to even recognize that your side and someone else’s side of the street are different is the first step to put this phrase to work. Sit with that for a minute… you… your history, thoughts, feelings, experiences, values, desires, faults and skills… are different and unique to you… and only you… because YOU are one of a kind human being. Do some human histories, thoughts, feelings, desires and whatnot overlap? Yes, of course. BUT, the gold nugget of healing for those of us who don’t know our side is different from other people’s side is to let go enough to allow the differences to exist without trying to change it or judge it (aka: practicing non-judgement).
Now, for one.. some of us may have been taught that differences are dangerous and need to be feared. Some of us have been taught that compliance/sameness is safe. If you can relate to either of the two, it makes sense that you would come to judge someone or something different than you… because different = threat; threat = fear; fear = fight, flight, freeze, fawn and BOOM we’re in survival mode. This is a trauma response and completely out of our control. Our brains “on trauma” are seriously amazing survival machines and can perceive threat where there actually is none. These responses are involuntary and have evolved from our life experiences to literally KEEP US ALIVE from all things dangerous… real or imagined. Thank you Brain, we know you’re just trying to help us survive. <3
For two… a common defense mechanism to said trauma is to focus on or obsess about other people’s “streets”, issues, lives, wrongs and faults as a distraction from looking at ourselves to avoid doing our own internal work… *the therapy bomb has been dropped*. Some of us aren’t even aware that we’re in deep pain because we’re too busy judging everyone else’s… to look inside ourselves would be more painful. I get it. I see you. It IS painful and this stuff goes VERY deep.
If you’re a person who’s afraid or uninterested to look inside via self-reflection, you may not have had an emotionally validating childhood. In adulthood, you’re afraid to experience feelings because your emotions weren’t validated or acknowledged by the people whose job it was to do so. That’s the infuriating thing about trauma… you didn’t ask for it, it’s not your fault, yet you have to take responsibility for the outcomes manifesting inside of you if you want a more fulfilling life… insert “keeping your side of the street clean”.
Now, this subject is touchy because people are quick to hear “parent blaming”. That’s not the goal here. Our trauma is what it is. Most parents do the best they can, with the information they have at the time that they have it. To place blame on them for a season, may be a step in your grieving process (which is okay) but to stay IN blame, is to stay OUT of personal responsibility… which is exactly the quality your street needs to keep it clean. We need to look around and pick up the metaphorical trash (ie entitled attitude, gossip, resentment, etc)… maybe plant a tree or a garden (ie taking care of yourself by adding something that gives you positive feelings, self-care, etc.) and stop worrying or making your way over to the other side (ie obsessing over/getting involved with/feeling offended by, etc)… that’s theirs to clean up and maintain. NOT. YOURS.
At this point in your journey this may be an anxiety or angry inducing idea. That’s okay. As you grow and tend to your side of the street, you’ll come to feel relief that your side is the only side to worry about. Another favorite reminder I use often is from a book that literally changed my life “How to be an Adult” by David Richo… “Whatever you despise [or judge] in another, is a denied and unowned part of yourself“.