Are you Codependent?
Boiled down, codependency is a "loss of self in others". It's the "chronic neglect of yourself in order to gain love, validation or self-identity through another person". Some of us have a basic nature that can lead to a loss of self in others as our life experiences (ie our "nurture") interplay with our basic natures. Here are a few characteristics that may contribute to the development of codependent patterns:
- A readiness to extend self to others: This includes being kind, thoughtful and considerate. It can manifest as generosity of time, resources and heart. The person is giving, sensitive to the people around them, aware of the feelings and needs of others and ready to respond to those feelings and needs. Their moods may be deeply affected by the moods and behaviors of others.
- Ability to get things done: A person with these traits is often a hard worker and does things well. They are reliable, loyal and dedicated. You can count on them. However, this can lead to over functioning for others, under functioning for self.
- Anxiety: Anxiety in moderate doses is important to our survival. However, in larger doses, or when it is unneeded, anxiety can result in unnecessary worry, unhelpful actions and exhaustion. Anxiety may present itself as a driver of a person's codependency.
None of these are "bad", it just is. The more we know and are aware of the better we can heal and learn from patterns that no longer work for us. A "Nurture" example of what might be a precursor to the development of codependency is being raised by an emotional unhealthy parent, alcoholic/addict parent or coming from a single parent home/witnessing a difficult marriage in childhood: Goes without saying... with an under functioning parent/marriage, a child will naturally pick up the slack to get their love and needs for attention met. This may result in children caretaking for parents, becoming a pseudo spouse for the parent, becoming a "little adult" because the parents are childlike themselves. Humans are so smart and will adapt to whatever environments they are placed in, unfortunately without awareness, the children will likely attract "under functioners" in adulthood and the enabling cycle will continue.
Bluntly, someone who may identify as a codependent may align with the following: thrive with making lists, organizing schedules, following instructions perfectly, sees a problem and fixes it without being asked (even if it's not their problem to fix)! At their best, they are trustworthy, go-to, caring, dependable and considerate of everyone's needs (to the detriment of themselves), loyal to a fault. At their worst codependency can look like, passive aggressive communication, defensiveness, trouble saying no to self and others, struggle accepting other's "no's", rigid expectations for self and others, forcing/manipulation of outcomes to get what they want. In addition, it may be difficult to accept other's ways of doing things and who they are as people even though you may love them dearly.
Behind much of codependency is a deep.. DeEp.. DEEEEP fear... Fear of what exactly? They don't know because the focus is on the other person's life and safety instead of their own. However, codependency was FUNCTIONAL and USEFUL at some point in life... or else it wouldn't exist. No shame in doing what had to be done to survive, but now you can create a life for yourself that you really love that's more about you and less about everyone else. Praise God. Let God do his job and take care of those people you've been fretting over for years... you go take care of yourself and grieve... grieve well and long because that's also another aspect of it... when were faced with something we're not prepared to lose these patterns can show up. If you're not prepared to grieve alone, we've got you!
Openness to feedback is growth my friend and growth isn't pain free. Come back to yourself. My team and I LOVE helping people recover from codependency. It's literally our favorite. Book a session today to start the recovery process.
References:
- The Clinician's Codependency Treatment Workbook by Nancy Johnson.
- www.boundaried.com (the graphic)
- Mike Foster's Growth Made Simple Newsletter