Sometimes the grass IS greener on the other side… because IT’S FAKE.

Have you heard that old adage “The grass is greener on the other side?” This cliche implies feelings of discontent with what one currently has and feeling envy or longing for something else, implying happiness is on the “other side” of the fence. This cliche can apply to many areas of life. Relationships being the most frequently applied case. Others could be; material possessions, physical appearance, job, children’s behavior/performance, vacations you name it! True, the envied thing may not be “fake” but the anticipated long-term happiness gained on the other side may be an illusion. For the sake of this article, I will be applying this adage to relationships. Now, let’s look at the difference between fake and real grass…

Fake grass: It doesn’t wither, dry out, no need for fertilizer, doesn’t require watering, won’t stain anything, stays the same length no matter the climate or environment, bounces back when you step on it, all looks the same, soft, without blemish, it also… doesn’t grow. 

Real grass: It changes color and texture with the seasons, it dies, other living things live inside of it, requires maintenance, becomes distressed without nutrients or water, grows where you don’t want it at times, different species live together in same space, is alive and will adapt to the environment. 

Similarly let’s compare fake vs real relationships…

Fake relationships: Stays on surface level, not emotionally intimate, partners do not express their needs or wants, people pleasing qualities/behaviors may exist, manipulation in attempt to get needs met, control the person or situation or to punish the other. Needs are often met outside of the relationship due to avoidance and lack of communication between partners. Partners pretend when they are together (put a smile on when inside they’re miserable) but can be honest about how they’re feeling with friends or family. Partner’s do not argue or disagree. One or both resists change. Pretends everything is okay in the relationship when deep down it’s not. One or both partners have difficulty accepting critique or criticism. Defensiveness is common defense mechanism. Partners possibly lack identity or over identify with the relationship as their identity. Does not admit relationship rupture is taking place/smooths over/sweeps under the rug. Does not share themselves/struggles to be vulnerable with self and partner.

Real relationships: Changes with the season (some seasons are emotionally dry or stressful, others are plentiful and easier to do life together), real relationships age with time (both partners have seen each other in different seasons and have awareness that all seasons will not last forever and are accepting of this). Real relationships require tending/nurture/honesty to maintain health– partners are aware of this and reach out to help the other when sensed or asked. Partners are emotionally attuned with one another. Partners respond to “bids for connection”. Partners can openly disagree but respect each other’s stance. Use “I statements”. Allows the other to be themselves. Partners speak honestly and respectfully about how they are feeling, what they need and would like. Partners have boundaries with family/friends/work. Partners have hobbies they share together, and hobbies they enjoy on their own. Can own mistakes and make relationship repair. 

The truth is… relationships. take. work. and. they. are. not. easy. If the perception is that they won’t require effort yet they will survive neglect… I’m sorry to inform you that the relationship will slowly die. This is an illusion. This is where the “grass is greener on the other side” cliche comes in. Those who find themselves in “fake” relationships may be suffering on the inside, and may use this cliche to cope with the suffering (ie avoid the suffering). If the person leaves the relationship, yes they may indeed find some green grass, but it will soon brown if nothing is done to nurture it. Relief may be found temporarily in a new relationship, but when the honeymoon phase/fake grass wears off (studies show max approx 2 years) they will see that they are standing with someone in a brown patch of scraggly Bermuda and the cycle will repeat again. 

The hope is that for individuals whom find themselves in “fake” relationships (or they themselves have been fake in it) they CAN create a real relationship/be real by beginning to be honest with themselves, soothe the inner turmoil with healthy coping skills and learn to communicate effectively/fairly with their partner. Small steps can be taken to move from fake to real and here is a quick tool to help. DEARMAN.

DEARMAN is an effective communication tool taken from Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I will give descriptions and examples:

Describe: “I notice that I clam up and keep to myself when I’m around you.”

Express emotion: “I feel disconnected and lonely.”

Assert: “I would like to work on our relationship by… (insert however you’d like to work on the relationship)”.

Reinforce: “If you feel similarly, putting effort into this might be mutually beneficial so we both may feel better if we try”.
 
Mindful: If the partner takes the conversation off the rails and starts blaming you/getting off topic/changing the subject etc., bring it back to your original topic. “I understand this is an upsetting conversation. I’d like to address your concerns too after we resolve the issues I brought up”. 

Appear confident: Doesn’t mean you have to actually FEEL confident, just appear confident (ie stand up straight, use eye contact, straight spine, annunciate). 

Negotiate: “Would you be willing to (restate whatever you said for Assert) with me? If not, what are your ideas for how we could improve our relationship? I’d be willing to do xyz with you.”

Happy tending to your real grass! You’ve got this!