Therapy from a Therapist’s perspective

Note the title of this blog... Therapy from "A" therapist's perspective... not "THE" therapist's perspective. This blog does not reflect the general consensus of ALL therapists. The following are just my own thoughts, feelings and experiences and mine alone. Enjoy. 

Therapy between therapist and client is like dancing, but unlike in traditional partner dancing, the leader and follower change throughout the dance. In a perfect world, the client leads the therapy at all times… the client understands what they want out of therapy, they bring issues to session of their choosing, they come prepared to do the inner work. The therapist's only job would be to follow the lead of the client... But this is in a perfect world and perfection doesn't exist sooo let's talk real world. 

In reality, more often than not, clients come to therapy ambivalent to need change, unaware of their own issues, want the therapist to "fix it/them/or a person/child in their life causing them distress" and want to be justified in what brings them to therapy. This is normal– as all of us want to feel validated in our feelings and perspectives. Many clients feel stuck, helpless and just want to be rescued or taken care of by someone they perceive as an authority or parent figure (*hello childhood fantasies*). Therapists have a model that helps describe the attitudes of client’s when they enter therapy otherwise known as the Stages of Change– 

Pre-contemplation: "I don't have a problem!"

Contemplation: "Okay, maaaayybe I have a problem but I'm not ready to do anything about it."

Preparation: "Alright, I know I have a problem and I'm creating a plan to resolve it..."

Action: "I am actively working my plan to resolve my problem."

Maintenance: "I have consistent behavior changes/perspective changes and am making them part of my daily life to maintain positive change."

Relapse: "I fell of the band wagon and back into old habits, behavior patterns, thinking patterns that got me stuck in the first place".

Pre-contemplation: "Here I am thinking that I don't have a problem again but the problem exists outside of myself (ie with others, the environment etc.)" and so forth the cycle continues... 

Stages of change help both us therapists and clients see where we’re at and what to expect as we all move forward in our individual journeys. Guess what? Your therapist is on a journey too! It is only through compassionate rapport and a client's willingness/readiness, courage, and honesty to look at themselves that makes change possible.   

Before I spent some time on the couch myself, I felt panicked about clients who would come in and want me to fix them or their kid/spouse/ex. Because of my own codependency, I would work "harder than the client"-- preparing structured activities, reading all the literature I could on their presenting issues, assign homework, care more about them than they cared about themselves. I. Burned. Out. Like many young therapists who haven't done their work yet... I wanted to quit altogether because my clients weren't getting better and put all the pressure of their journey on myself. After all, "what are they paying me for" I would say to myself. Now, three years into working my own program, I scoop up my younger therapist self, rock her in my arms and tell her softly that "she doesn't have to know it all, be it all, heal them FOR them... it is not up to her". Bless her sweet caring heart-- not in the condescending way, but the deeply empathetic way. I love her... so much. She just didn't know and couldn't see clearly at the time. I don't fault her for that, I just love her now so she can rest and let the wiser therapist me do the driving. She's done her time. All she needs to do now is rest. It's the best I can give her for her service. To my young therapist self-- a sincere and loving "Thank you. I honor you. I love you. Rest now. I've got it from here".  

All this to say, it is each person's responsibility to heal and take good care of themselves. There is no silver bullet. There is no magic formula. Your therapist isn't a wizard. They can't fix you, your family or your situation, but they can empower YOU to fix YOU and do something about yourself in your family or your situation. Truly, it's the best way. Think about it, do you learn more when someone does something FOR you or when you toil, problem solve, wrestle with, fail, try again and figure it out on your own? The latter. Always. No one can do it for you. It must be you. It is a true honor of mine to work with people who've taken up the mantle of healing for themselves. YES, SISTER AND BROTHER I SEE YOU AND AM HERE FOR IT. KEEP IT UP. DONT QUIT. YOUR LIFE IS WORTH THIS STRUGGLE. So, now that you have realistic expectations about therapy, I just have one question... Would you like to dance?