Self-love: a sack of woo-woo poo poo? Or medicine for the soul?

I’ve heard this so many times… “Shanna, I know I need to love myself, but I don’t even know what that means?!” The question is followed by exasperated sighs and furrowed brows. As I sit there… I look at the client with calm, kind eyes and ask, “What does love mean to you?” or maybe, “What does self mean to you?” 

These two concepts, love and self are SO unique and individualized to each and every human being that breathes air. That includes everyone. There is no way any other human can tell you what self/self-love means to you– except YOU! I know… for the anxious perfectionist controller out there this is a maddening answer. A lot of us want to be told how to do XYZ for many reasons; to prevent us from “making a mistake”, help us avoid feeling stupid or silly, save us the trial and error (and often times pain) of figuring ourselves out, or perhaps we were never taught how to think independently, and we don’t know how. The list is endless regarding WHY people don’t want to do the hard but rewarding work of self-reflection. Trust me. I’ve been there. 

And this is the frustrating (but necessary) part of therapy. No therapist, guru, priest, auntie or friend can “give” you, your answer. The answer lies within you. *Cue eye-rolling*. I KNOW… this sounds like a sack of woo-woo horse shit to some of you. I get that too. Can we explore WHY it’s a load of shit to you?… THAT is the stuff of good therapy. When you figure out the why, there is room for change and self-love IF you can develop compassion for your why behind the shit. 

Now let’s get into the woo-woo part. *cue cringe/excitement/protest/anxiety/apathy/wherever you’re at*. Keep reading. You’re worth it. <3

There is a difference between empathy and compassion. Empathy says, “I understand you/that feeling/that situation/this issue because I’ve been there. I can relate to this because this has been my experience too.” Compassion says, “I accept you and need you to be no different than what/who you already are.” 

Empathy and compassion work. They heal. They accept. LITERALLY, they work… it’s like medicine for your soul. These concepts are the foundation of my counseling philosophy and the literal name of my business. COMPASSION WORKS… Thats why therapy works. Thats why healthy relationships work. They are full of empathy and compassion. We MUST develop this for ourselves and our shit… OR we will likely remain stuck in life, in pain (physically AND emotionally), in denial, frustrated, and probably isolated from others or the opposite, completed engulfed with others to stay distracted from ourselves. The choice is yours and whatever choice is respectable. Just remember “Where your fear is, there is your task” — Carl Jung.

For those that want to try, see if you can look at your broken, shameful parts and say to them “I fully accept you and need you to be no different than what you already are“… what happened for you?! At first these parts may fight back because they don’t believe what you’re saying is true. Thats ok… hold even that with compassion. “It’s okay that you don’t believe me”, “I’m still here with you“. Just like earning the trust of a scared animal in a cage, they will slowly learn that you aren’t there to hurt them… it’s the same with our hurt or ugly parts.

We are limited in how we can love others if we don’t love ourselves. The cliche is true. The BEST way you can love others, is to first love yourself… *Side bar; If you felt a sense of guilt or selfishness, or anger upon reading that sentence, you haven’t addressed your shit yet and I encourage you to go to the therapist nearest to you stat*. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself to get your love juices flowing:

• Are you an important person to yourself?
• Do you consider what you want before making decisions?
• Are you interested in all the parts of yourself? Even the prickly ones? 
• Are you curious about yourself and why you do things?
• Do you give yourself consistent self-care/affection? (ie consistent showers/hygiene, consistent exercise, consistent sexual expressions, regular doctor visits/haircuts/dental/vision etc).
• Can you have fun/enjoy your own company?
• Do you speak kindly to yourself?
• Do you do things you enjoy, makes you laugh, or energizes you regularly?

If you answered no to more of these than not, get a therapist and figure out why not?