Let’s talk about Grief.

Grief. It doesn’t just happen when someone dies– although that is what our western society commonly associates it with. Grief is triggered by a variety of life events, more so than you may have thought, so let’s expound on the topic! 

Most people have heard of the five stages of grief: anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. What many don’t realize is that humans go through the stages of grief with most loss and change… not just when a loved one or pet passes away!  

Think about it. Loss… Job loss, losing relationships, losing bets, losing a game of Uno, losing a turn in line, losing your hair, losing weight, loss of mobility or a limb, losing eyesight or hearing, loss of good or bad habits, losing items like keys/wallet etc. Loss is everywhere and often times we make the experience of loss harder on ourselves by 1. not accepting that loss is a possibility and 2. having rigid expectations about how things “should have been”. To make this easier on ourselves, we must work to accept that loss is a natural part of living. Other parts of natural living; pooping, being born, crying, eating, feeling physically or emotionally tired, desire for love and affection, getting sick, healing from said sickness, wanting sex, having sex, feeling thirsty, farting, moving your body, heart break, sleeping… you get the idea.

We can help ourselves through the inevitable loss we’ll face in life by practicing the following:

1. PRACTICE MINDFUL LIVING.

To me, mindfulness means “to be aware” or “to be present in the right here right now”. Practice means “intentional repetition of some task” My hope is that you can practice with the desire for personal improvement. 

People can be mindful doing anything. Currently, I am mindful of my fingers on the slippery, cool laptop keys… the clink clank sound of my dryer spinning wet clothes… the dull ache in my left hamstring from an old injury I sustained years ago. I am practicing being aware OF the moment IN the moment. Being mindful does not come naturally. It takes intentional effort to slow my brain down and focus on what’s happening right now… not what I want/scared of/not looking forward to happening in the future… that’s a whole different blog post. 

If I am more aware of my present moment… the only moment of my life that is actually guaranteed because it’s happening RIGHT NOW… I am living. If I am thinking about moments in the future that are not guaranteed and have not happened yet, I am not living… I’m teleporting… and I miss out on my actual life happening now. 

2. FEEL THE FEELINGS. 

If humans attempt to suppress the very real, very natural feelings they experience with loss… they’re denying a vital part of their humanity. Research shows, if we can move through the fear of feeling and accurately articulate how we are feeling in the moment (ie “I feel [insert feeling word here] right now” it decreases the intensity of the feeling itself! THIS. IS. EMPOWERING. So, let’s have a little faith and trust in the moment of feeling and in our own natural human process and feel it. Denying/repressing messes us up WAY MORE in the long run than the messiness of just feeling it in the first place. Please. Just feel your feelings and give yourself a big, warm hug! 

3. REASSESS THE “SHOULDS”

We all have them… the “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” ie “expectations of how life should or shouldn’t be”. We come to believe these shoulds and shouldn’ts by many things; how we were raised, family values/beliefs, what we’re exposed to at developmentally vulnerable periods, religions we prescribe to, what happens to us… Here are some examples of some shoulds and shouldn’ts that can mess you up; “Children shouldn’t get cancer“, (partners in abusive relationships) “We should stay married/together“, “Parent’s shouldn’t die while their children are still dependent on them“, “The market shouldn’t crash“…etc… Or when the thing happens to you… “My spouse shouldn’t get drunk every night”, “My girlfriend shouldn’t have cheated on me”, “My child shouldn’t have died”, “My brother should have left her”, “That guy on the highway shouldn’t have swerved into my lane and caused an accident”, “I should or shouldn’t feel [insert feeling word here]”. 

Friend, anything can happen to anyone at any time. What makes living MORE difficult is when we hold these shoulds and shouldn’ts like a life raft. The truth is… these are often wishes/hopes birthed from places of sadness and trauma. Normal. Acceptable… But not to be held onto for survival long term. The fiercer we hold on, the more stressed and depressed we become. Having the “shoulds” can be a phase of denial– which is a normal phase of grieving. However, if denial is prolonged, so is suffering. 

May we learn to accept life on life’s terms, trust in the natural process of our humanness, and let go of rigidity where it no longer serves us well.